Episode 16: How To Have a Healthy Relationship Right Now - Part 2
The course of true love never did run smooth (preach, Shakespeare!), so today we’re diving into part two of our relationship interview with couples and family therapist Liz Earnshaw. If you missed part one, be sure to check out episode 13 where we dive into how couples can deal with Covid whether they’re quarantining together or doing long distance.
Today we’re talking common relationship issues, power struggles that can crop up in conflict, improving your communication skills, and how to seek or offer support when one partner is struggling with mental health. Honestly, our conversation with Liz truly improved our communication styles with our own partners, family and friends, and we can’t wait to share it with you.
Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia. She helps her clients and hundreds of thousands of social media followers develop healthier relationships everyday, navigating issues like betrayal, grief, loss, and trauma, while teaching the art of communication. You also might’ve seen her on Instagram where she shares incredibly valuable relationship advice and therapy strategies on her account @lizlistens.
Check out Part 2 of our relationship deep dive for Liz’s MAJOR truth bombs on boundaries, conflict and communication!
What are the most common issues couples seek therapy for?
According to Liz, most people come in with communication issues, which usually means a thousand different things from navigating betrayal, to learning how to actually listen to legit incompatibility.
The four power struggles in conflict
Liz says there are four main power struggles that couples face in conflict and communication: “A power struggle clearly looks like a pulling back and forth. There’s somebody who’s pursuing something and another person who is pulling away.”
Power struggles can happen when...
The conflict is so scary, the distancing person is worried that if they engage, it’s going to make the relationship worse. They fear they’ll lose the connection if they “go there.” The person pursuing the connection is scared of the same things, but they fear that if they don’t talk about their issues now, they won’t be able to fix them. So while one is trying to preserve connection by preventing the conversation, the other thinks they’ll lose everything if they don’t address the problem.
When one person feels like their autonomy is being threatened, they pull back, and their partner feels threatened so they pursue connection. But the other person is pulling back because they really do want space and need time to themself. Liz says the “never go to bed angry” quote is actually the worst advice, because oftentimes the person who wants to go to bed is telling you very clearly, “this isn’t going to go anywhere good. I need space, or I'm freaked out that I'm going to explode in this conversation.” That advice perpetuates the pursuer to believe they can’t go to bed without a resolution, so they keep going. The best thing you can do in that dynamic, is to learn to take on the dynamic of the other person. So if the other person pulls away, let them take their space and allow them to come back when they are ready.
Sometimes our conflict brings up shame, and people respond differently to shame. “A fight over an overdue water bill can be stemmed from shame if it’s late because your partner’s salary was reduced,” explains Liz. When shame is at the root of the issue, it’s really important to see what’s going on and be able to offer safety within that. “Instead of criticizing, which just creates more shame, be vulnerable [and ask what’s going on]. You can still have boundaries while being gentle around that shame.”
The last conflict relates to punishment: We get into power struggles if we believe someone deserves it. “They cheated on me, so they deserve it. They had it coming to them because they hurt me.” The pursuer (the person who was hurt in this case) may believe the betrayer has no right to take space, and if it sucks for their partner, too bad: “I’m punishing you because I’m still really angry.”
How do you avoid the punishment power struggle when you’ve been hurt?
“When there’s been a betrayal in the relationship—anything outside of what you thought your relationship contract was, so not just affairs, but when someone hurts you outside of what the commitment was—the person that did the betraying may receive a lot of punishment and anger,” Liz explains. She tells people dealing with betrayal: “It’s your job right now to make amends, to listen to the pain, to apologize. These are hard things to do, but you have to do it and you have to try a lot of trust-building behaviour.”
“I often compare it to a bank account,” says Liz. “When your bank account was healthy, it didn’t matter if you took $100 out, but the betrayal took all of the money out, plus $100, and now there’s an overdraft fee. It won’t be like this forever, but for a little bit, you do have to pay the $100 back and you have to pay a $30 overdraft.”
To the person who has been hurt, Liz says, “I know you’re angry and you have every right to maintain boundaries, be angry and to request certain things. But just like the bank isn’t allowed to give 10 overdraft fees a day, you can’t do that either. Because if you do it, just like with a bank, the person will never be able to pay themselves out of the hole. So if you tell your partner [how to make things better], and then you move the goalpost again, it’s never going to work.”
Liz says to be very clear about the things that you need to recover from the betrayal. If you are going to move the “goalpost” of your expectations from your partner, you have to be clear about why they are changing and communicate your feelings, boundaries and needs fairly. “Because if you combat one betrayal with another betrayal of disrespect and contempt, then the relationship falls apart even more. And that is where couples get really stuck,” warns Liz.
How to set healthy boundaries
Liz recommends sitting down together and checking in on how things are going regularly, so you don’t have to unilaterally come up with boundaries as issues arise. “Allow yourself to be very open...you can say: It’s been going okay, but you know what’s been really hard for me? When the TV is on really loud late at night and I’m trying to get to sleep. I really need a quiet space in the bedroom.”
Talk about how you can create a win-win situation, because if you’re really working together, all of your boundaries can actually be about things that will create win-wins for both of you. “You want to state things in what we call a positive need. A positive need is saying what you do want,” Liz explains. “So when you set boundaries, say what you do want. Telling someone what you don't want isn’t usually very effective.”
Liz suggests trying an approach like, “I really want to go to sleep by 10pm” rather than “I don’t want you to leave the TV on all night.” That helps everyone understand the end goal, and it avoids starting a debate about the things that you don’t want.
We hope that you enjoyed part 2 of our convo with Liz, and that your relationships are thriving!
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